Marriage Humour

♣ Conversation between husband & wife ♣

[1]
Wife : 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

[2]
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife : 'Yes or no.'

[3]
Wife : 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'
Hubby : 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife : 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby : 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

[4]
Wife asked her husband : 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[5]
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


○○0○○ Stress Reliever ○○0○○

[1]
Girl : 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy : 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl : 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

[2]
Son : 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'
Son : 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

[3]
Girl to her boyfriend : One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies : 'Thanks for the early warning.'


☺^^☻Husbands are husbands ☻^^☺

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the Head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on It that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name Of the horse I bet on'.

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the Head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Men Never Listen

In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN...

New Office Policy per 2009

EFFECTIVE per JANUARY 1, 2009

NEW OFFICE POLICY

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*) Dress Code:

1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

*) Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


*) Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.


*) Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

*) Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

*) Lunch Break:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation And input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management,

As I Mature

^^
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've Learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just a**holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big w*lly or huge b**bs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others,
They are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of time when something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon,
and all the less important ones just never go away.

--unknown--